BUBBLES AT A CHEMIST

Dear Doris, I do not have an excuse for not writing this long… You have heard all my excuses. But I am really trying babe. A relationship is supposed to be two-way… I write, you write! Last week I had a running tummy for 4 days straight… This is because people were eating cake at the office and I decided… Read more →

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A BARBER IN MADARAKA

Dear Doris, Hey love. I miss us. I went to the barber last Saturday. You see, I have an excellent barber who is based all the way in Hurlingham, but I was too tired to drive all the way there so I decided to walk across the road and get a quick haircut. This , as you will see shortly,… Read more →

LESSONS FROM SELLING CHIPS

Dear Doris, Please call me. Thank you!   I met Njeri in the dead of the night right in front of Hassan’s Choma Sausage joint at the Madaraka Shopping Centre. I had been working late and Karamarg, the best fries joint in Nairobi, had closed. So I settled for Choma Sausage Hotdog. I took the long route to Hassan’s. I… Read more →

HOW NOT TO WIN!

My Love Doris,   I have not written in over two months. The gaps between my letter keeps getting wider and wider. It was a letter a week a few years back. Then a letter every two weeks… Now It is a letter every two months. The most painful part is you do not even complain! What is your problem!… Read more →

A BODA BODA STORY

My Lovely Doris, My heart is the same since I first saw your face. Nothing has changed apart from the blood that pumps through it every now and then in order for me to stay alive. The early possession you obtained there, and the absolute power you have obtained over it, leaves not the smallest space unoccupied. Each chamber filled with… Read more →

A STORY ABOUT POTATOES

My Love Doris,   It is evident my job is a threat to our relationship. I am sorry my love – You know what, I am tired of apologising! Seems these days all my letters start with an apology! That should not be happening. I am always on your case about not trying to fix us. I should be leading… Read more →

LETTER FROM A SIMPLE WOMAN

My Dear Doris, Hate me not my love. You will not believe how busy I have been even if I explained it to you. But my love, you have been on my mind every single second since we last spoke. Or rather, since I last spoke. You never talk to me. I am human you know?! I have feelings. My… Read more →

HOW TO SURVIVE A PIT LATRINE

Dear Doris, How have you been my beautiful? Are you happy? Are you missing me as I am missing you? Do tell me if I dominate your dreams like you dominate mine. I am certain that no man has before to any woman what you are to me. How will I ever show you how much I love you? How will you ever… Read more →

STUPID GOAT

Dear Doris,   I am seated in my living room watching Game of Thrones as I write this. I am still really behind! King Geoffrey has just died. You are on my mind. I tried calling you yesterday but after picking up you did not say a word. I heard you breathing though, so I know you are alive. I… Read more →

SH*T STORM

My love Doris,   The following takes place in 2 hours!   I have had a tummy ache for two weeks now! I am lying, It has been about 5 days. Terrible pain. I have tried charcoal tablets and Imodium and Flagyl and Flu Gone but none of them was working so I decided to go to the hospital before work today and… Read more →

CHOMA SAUSAGE

Dear Doris, I had started writing a letter yesterday but I did not finish it. Half way through the letter I lost interest. It was a story about this one night I bribed a police woman with 3 chapatis because I did not have money… Ok I had money, but it was a 40 bob coin.  This is a different… Read more →

A MATATU AND A CABBAGE

Dear Doris, I have been thinking hard if our relationship would persist otherwise than through sacrifices! If we were together at this very moment, you would notice this painful feeling as little as I should. I pray that we meet soon. My bosom craves for you. Fight for us as I have and always will. The rest the gods must send, what must be for us, will… Read more →

PORN IN NYALENDA

My Lovely Woman, My heart is heavy as I write this. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this. It is not even about you this time. Something beat you to my ‘what makes my heart heavy’ this time. I wish you were here, to take away all this pain and fever. I grew up in Kisumu. I… Read more →

FOR bikozulu

Dear bikozulu, You are looking for a guy to design a logo for your blog. I am not the guy you are looking for. If the guy you are looking for is what you described here, then I am farthest from it! This is why… I oiled my elbows this morning and I always do (your guy doesn’t). ALWAYS here… Read more →

Masaku 7s Sex Video

Dear Doris, I have to write this really quickly! I do not have much time. You were in my dreams last night. It was so vivid I could smell you. In the dream you did not say a single word! You did not smile or laugh. You stood right at the centre of my living room in a pink dress… Read more →